If you think your kid is not smoking pot because you can't smell it, think again.

Tonight I had a long, quality conversation with a woman who I admire tremendously. She has a teenage son who is a friend to my teenage daughter. A few weeks ago, my daughter said, "He's a pot head." I asked how she knew this, and she told me that he talked about smoking pot all of the time.

Okay. Do I do anything with this info? I sat on it for a few weeks, but tonight during our conversation, I expressed concern for this woman's son. She said, "It wouldn't surprise me, but I don't ever smell it, and I know what it smells like."

If I had 20 bucks for every time a parent has said this to me.....

Let me tell you my story. I share this because I think it is important for parents to know. When my stepson was 14 and in the 8th grade, he was busted for smoking pot at school. I was shocked. I thought that I was a pretty smart parent. I know what it smells like. I thought I knew all of the signs that would indicate any kind of drug abuse. I was dead wrong.

At the time, our son was not a latch-key kid. Dean was working 2:00-7:00 AM shifts at FedEx, and he was there when the kids went to school. He delivered pizzas during the day, so he was there when the kids got home from school. This was our arrangement...he worked two part time jobs to be with the kids; I worked full time so he could be with the kids. What I'm trying to explain is that our kids were not unattended; they were quite attended to. We ate dinners at the table, we had meaningful conversations with them, and we thought we knew them.

Additionally, our son was grounded almost full time for failing grades. Literally, the only places he went were back and forth to school and back and forth to church (which sounds really weird when I type it like that). At any point in time, he could earn his privileges back by getting his grades up. We did everything we could think of to help him with that, too. I even went to his classes and sat with him (which is highly unpopular when you are in junior high, but the teachers were quite supportive). I was trying to figure out what was leading to his terrible grades.

Parent advice #1: If you kids have failing grades, it is indicative of a problem that is probably not related to school work.

The night before he was busted smoking pot at school, we had a conversation that we had had 20 times before. This time, it escalated with me saying something like, "If you don't shape up, you are going to be on a quick path to jail." His answer stunned me, "I don't care." (Just so you know, that same answer wouldn't stun me today. It's quite typical for teens to say that, but he was our first, and I was really floored that the threat of jail didn't phase him.)

I was on the phone with a work colleague when we got the call from the school. Dean and I went over, and the police were there. Our kid was high. He didn't say much. Dean also didn't say a word; I think he was in a disappointed shock. I, of course, did most of the talking.

The police asked to search his person. I said that they could search anything they wanted. At that time our son would wear multiple layers of clothing...like underwear, two pair of shorts and baggy sweats over that. I don't know why he did that, but he did. I told the officer to make sure to check all of the layers. In his backpack they found drug paraphernalia. It wasn't anything you would have recognized. He took ink pens, pulled out the ink and attached common hardware like a nut to create a pipe. Ironically, Dean went looking through the kid's stuff the night before, found the baggie of pens and hardware and didn't think anything of it.

Parent Advice #2: Be informed as to what common household objects kids are using to smoke/use drugs. Pens, apples....if you want the latest and greatest, call your local police department; they will rattle off things for you to search for.

I told the officer that I never smelled anything so I had no reason to be suspicious. The officer asked him how he was hiding the smell. He didn't answer. I said something like, "You WILL answer every question this man asks you...so help me!" He said that he did it before school so most of the smell had worn off. Remember how I told you that the only places he went were back and forth to church and school? Yep...before school...which also helped explain the poor performance AT school. I asked him how he got it/paid for it. He said, "My friend just gives it to me." Oj!

We also found out from him that he used cologne and body spray to cover the scent in his clothing.

Parent Advice #3: Be leery of a child who over-uses body sprays and colognes.

I've lived through the smelliness of a teenage boy...and it is DISGUSTING. The only way to get rid of those scents is with soap and water in the shower. It's one thing to want to put on a little cologne, it is an entirely different thing to mask smells with way too much of a scent.

The officer continued searching the backpack and opened his notebook. He said, "What gang are you in?" Ok, at this point in time, my life started flashing before my eyes. Me: "What did you say?" Officer: "What gang are you in?" Son: "I'm not in a gang."

The officer continued to thumb through his notebook and asked the question again. He then handed the notebook to the Vice Principal, and the VP began interpreting what was in the notebook. Apparently, there is some rhyme and reason to gang graffiti art. They handed me the notebook, and I saw a drawing he had done of a drive by shooting. Are you freaking kidding me??? Thinking this can't get any worse, the officer pulled out a red bandanna from his backpack and asked for the third time, "What gang are you in?"

I'm like, "Answer the man!" Again denial of gang activity.

So, let me see if I have this straight....our 14 year old son...who has a father in the home (who is actually AT home most of the time) and a step mom who is highly involved...who only goes to and from school....who doesn't "hang out" with friends because he's perennially grounded....who doesn't get phone calls at home from friends...who doesn't even have a cell phone....is not only smoking pot at school but is now in a GANG....

It just didn't add up. Either I didn't know my stepson or he was really good at hiding things from us.

The officer then asks, "What is your moniker?" I asked, "What is a moniker?" (I have no clue what gang speak is.) The officer explained that it was a nickname commonly given by a gang to a member. Son: denies having moniker. Me: "You have a moniker, and I know what it is. You have even drawn pictures of it." I told the officer what I believed his moniker to be.

I was SO furious at my kid for not cooperating with the police. They wrote him up on possession of drug paraphernalia. He went to juvy court and had to pay a fine and do community service.

What did we do after that?

Well, one thing we did was that we decided that we weren't going to keep this a family secret. We called several people who had the power to influence him for good: his grandparents, his young men's leader, his bishop, close family friends, other relatives. We thought, "it takes a village." We didn't want to shoulder the burden alone, and we thought that the more people who had his best interest, the better. We rallied the troops, circled the wagons....

We also got him outpatient drug counseling. Let me tell you, this is near next to impossible to find for a young person. There are many inpatient drug facilities, but we were looking more for a counselor who had a specialty with teens and drug use. We found a WONDERFUL counselor at the Odyssey House in Salt Lake City named Eric Schmidt.

Parent Advice #4: Rally the troops and get help when you find out that your kid is involved in drugs.

I wish I could tell you that all of this got immediately better. It didn't. In fact, it got much, much worse....but that is another story.

The point of this post? Even if you think you know your kid, even if you think you know what pot smells like, even if you think you would recognize the signs of drug use, even if you are "always there for your kid," I'm here to give you a public service announcement....sometimes all of that doesn't matter. If someone tells you, "I've heard your kid is doing drugs from my kid." Or, "Your kid is acting a lot like my kid was when he/she was on drugs." Don't ignore that message. The well-intended person may be wrong, but they just may be right.

You want to trust your kid, but there are oh so many thing that we don't know about what happens in their daily lives....the time that they walk to school, attend school, walk home from school....

If you suspect your kid is doing drugs, get them random drug tested. It doesn't cost much. You can also run a hair follicle test on them to search for longer term use.

I hope this helps someone. I really do. I am still in wonder that this happened to our son...and to us. I can't think of anything we could have done differently except pay closer attention to some of the signs I've mentioned. Things change rapidly in teenage culture (and with teenage drug culture). As a parent, you must be vigilant about being informed.

I love my son more than he will ever know. I wish he hadn't made choices that made his adolescence so much harder than it needed to be. Hopefully, when he is a father he will understand how hard we tried to get him help from the time he hit puberty at about 12 until the time he moved out of our house when he was 18. Sometimes it's really hard to be a parent; these kind of things make it hard!