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Thursday, November 11, 2010

I'm really not that interesting....

....at least not enough to blog every single day. So, 11 days into this effort, I'm a bit stumped. I decided to just write about a few of my favorite things. I taped the Today Show yesterday (sign of total geek-dom) so that I could watch Matt Lauer interview George W. Bush "live." Bush did surprising well. I still totally disagree with almost all of his foreign policy decisions, but other than that, he seems like good people. One of the other special features on the show yesterday was an interview with the cast of Sound of Music...including Julie Andrews and all of the children.

So, today...in honor of one of my favorite musical movies of all time, I will share a few of my favorite things. (There will be no "raindrops on roses" or "whiskers on kittens" in my list, though).

Favorite time of day: Between 10:00 PM and 2:00 AM (I am most productive at that time.)
Favorite city to visit for work: San Diego (Dean and I would live there if we could afford it.)
Favorite season: Fall (for the colors)
Favorite thing to do when I have nothing to do at all: Watch a movie and/or sleep
Favorite genre of book: Historical fiction (especially from England 1300-1700s), Sci-fi is a close second
Favorite thing about my job: The people I work with and the people I meet
Favorite indulgent snack: Little Debbie brownies
Favorite classical composer: Vivaldi
Favorite vacation: Me and Mike...17 days in Europe...trip of a lifetime!
Favorite actors: Gregory Peck, Martin Sheen and Liam Neeson
Favorite movie: Sense and Sensibility
Favorite cities: New York, Zagreb and Rome
Favorite holiday: Thanksgiving (no pressure, love being with friends and family)
Favorite TV show: too many to name, but I've seen every episode of Friends, ER, Lost, Mad Men and 24...just to name a few
Favorite flower to receive: Roses
Favorite thing about my husband: He is my best friend

Well, it might not be "brown paper packages tied up with string," but these are a few of my favorite things.

Peace, out.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I think I created this monster....

Tonight I had a colossal fight with Elle...I mean....a big one. We haven't had one of these in a long time. She knows just those triggers that set me off like the space shuttle into orbit. I've recently reverted to the "go to your room" strategy. That gives me a minute to calm down and act like an adult. Boy, last night I blew it...and what started off as a little thing escalated into a big thing. Please tell me that someone else can relate?

My trigger...the one that always, always, always pushes that big button? When one of the kids tells me, "No." Last night it was, "Elle, go help your sister with the dishes."

Reply: "No." (To Elle's defense, it wasn't her night to do dishes, but she didn't run the dishwasher from the night before...which left no place for the dirty dishes to go...so I asked her to help Dom hand wash them so they could get done.)

Me: "Don't tell me no."
Reply: "No, no, NO, NO!, NO!!!"

Me......blood immediately boiling....went into a finger shaking rage, "You don't get to tell one of your parents no."

Reply: "You can't MAKE me do anything. And it is my RIGHT to say no."

Oh dear...it got much worse before it got better. She is a nearly 15 year old girl...who doesn't want to be told what to do. I'm a 40 year old woman who doesn't like to be told, "No" by 14 year old girl. No one likes to be forced. No one. But I have super low tolerance for kids telling me, "No."

But did I create this monster? In part, yes. I always try to empower might girls and talk about their rights. We have talked long hours about how no one can "make" them do anything....do well in school, play in the band, obey their parents. We want them to make choices about those things so that they know that they chose. What they also know is that they might have a right to say "No" to a parent, but they don't get to chose what happens after they say, "No." So, her cell phone is disabled.

In the middle of our argument she said, "I'm going to be a horrible mom who yells at her kids because you yell at me." Good heavens! I won't own that one. We'll see how it is when her kids push her buttons (and I can't wait until they do....I will take great satisfaction in those moments ;-) I explained to her that while I inherited some negative qualities of my mom's yelling, that we all make choices as to the kind of parent we want to be. I can't believe she's already accusing me of influencing her bad parenting when she's only 14!

You know what it is about Elle? We're actually a lot alike. No child wants to hear that about a parent with whom they butt heads, but it's true. She has inherited/learned a lot of my personality traits. She tries to logic out of an argument (I'm still better than her at it, but it's only because I have 25 extra years of practice; she defends herself (yeah!); she won't back down if she doesn't think she hasn't done something wrong (not good all the time...but in concept...well, we need to work on that); she is adamant about what she wants and is willing to work hard to get it.

Yes, the most volatile relationship in the family tends to be between Wendy and Elle. We yell it all out and usually walk away the better for it. Anyone else have those "intense" relationship with their teen? I could seriously use some better strategies...and don't tell me to deep breathe and count to 10...that doesn't work for me.

Who knew that this little girl....
...who loves to long board, is a black belt in Tae-Kwon-Do and prides herself in being an individual...would be so outspoken that she pushes me to seriously freak out irrationally.





(This pic was taken for a modeling gig that Elle did when she was little. Isn't she just the cutest freaking thing you've ever seen? See that shaking finger? Yeah, I think it might have gotten wagged my way yesterday...if not that finger than the middle one, for sure!)

You know what though? I have so many more great moments with Elle than I do these kind of moments. So, on those rough days, I'll try to remember images like these....when she's all of those great things...without the yelling, "No" in my face part ;-)


Have I mentioned lately how hard it is being the parent of 4 teenagers?

My friend, Daisy, took this amazing picture of Elle. http://www.andphotographyblog.blogspot.com/

Monday, November 8, 2010

A tribute to my friend, Wendy

It has been 7 years since my dear friend, Wendy Sue Huntsman, unexpectedly passed away when she was just 40 years old. I can't believe how quickly these years have gone by, and I can't believe how much I still miss her. I met Wendy when I began working at the University of Utah in 1996, and we eventually became good friends.

I loved working with her! We had so many good times together.

I loved hearing her talk about her family. She loved her son, Ethan, so much! In fact, on her voice mail, she kept an old message from him. She would listen to it from time to time, and it would always make her smile. I remember her courtship with Doug and their beautiful wedding.

Wendy and I would spend time making handmade cards for nearly every holiday you could imagine. I think on our last really long stint we had breakfast, lunch and dinner at her house. We would send Doug on food runs for us. My bum hurt so bad from sitting that Wendy bought me a special cushion! We loved our marathon "stamping sessions!" (We even went to two stamping conventions in Las Vegas! Wendy talked me out of blowing all of my money at the blackjack table and played "dealer" for me for over an hour!)

What I miss most about Wendy is that she was such a good listener. She was one of the people that I called when I was sad and when I was happy. I told her almost every aspect of my life. For months and years after she passed, I thought, "Oh, I wish I could pick up the phone and call Wendy." As crazy as this sounds, sometimes I just talk out loud to her. I believe that her spirit lives on, and while I know she can't answer me, I know that we are never too far from those we love.

A few years ago, I visited Wendy's grave. I missed her so much. I wrote her a letter, brought her favorite flowers (pink carnations) and sat down beside her and had a good, long talk.

The last time I saw Wendy was about a week before her death. Her son, Ethan, had been at my house for a small Halloween party that we hosted for Bradley. I took Ethan home, and I was going to just drop him off and leave. "Something" told me to go in and say hello, and I did. I spent some time talking with her and being in awe that we had sons that were the same age (at that time, I had only been Bradley's' step mom for a few WEEKS!) We talked about having Bradley spend some time at their house with Ethan. I miss that we never got to share those moments...and that I haven't had her to talk me through all of my trials as a mom.

I miss her deeply. I look forward to a day that I will see her again! Wendy Sue Huntsman was such a great lady who influenced more people than I think she'll ever know.

Life is a blessing, and unexpected circumstances can take our loved ones away. Don't hesitate to tell someone you care about that you love them! Don't save hugs for tomorrow. If you feel "something" that tells you to pick up the phone and call someone, do it! I miss you, Wendy Sue I!

Love,
Wendy Sue II

Friday, November 5, 2010

I am a "Giant Cubs" fan...

I've been a Cubs fan for as long as I can remember. I grew up in Illinois, and I spent my entire summer days waiting with anticipation for Bozo to come on at Noon on WGN. Back in the day, Wrigley didn't have lights, so any Cubs home game typically had a start time of about 1:15 PM. Yes, it wasn't that long ago that they called games for darkness in Chicago.
When I was really young, I spent summers with my dad. He would come home from work, plop on the couch and turn on the Cubs games. This put a huge cramp in my cartoon viewing time, but I honestly think that is when I first started watching games on TV. My most vivid memories are of the ivy wall. As I got older, it was a natural transition to keep up with the Cubbies. I had a team poster, and I had memorized every player's name, number and position. At the age of 11, I learned how to score a game, and I was hooked. I knew the Cubs batting line up by heart. I knew their batting averages, and I had my favorite relief pitchers. The first team poster I had was from 1980; here's a blast from the past...My favorite pitcher back then was Rick Sutter, and my favorite relief pitcher was Lee Smith. Billy Buck was by far my favorite team player.
I spent many a hot Illinois day in the backyard or on the back patio slathered in baby oil (and who ever thought that was a good idea was an idiot!) working on my sunburn with a transistor radio....and listening to the game. I loved to watch games on TV and listen to them on the radio. Harry Caray's voice filled my summer afternoons. (Miss that old man!)
The Cubbies are classic American baseball. Wrigley is iconic. What is not to love about the "men in blue." Well, they are also like a lot of other men....they broke my heart again and again. In the late 1980s, I thought they had a real chance at it, but they lost the National League Championship to the Giants in a 4-1 series outcome. That might have been the last year that my heart was really in the game. Oh, how I loved those boys! "As sure as the ivy on the center field wall, the men in blue are gonna win it all!" We sang this. We believed this. Mark Grace...Ryno...Dunston...Dawson.....what a great team! My favorite pitchers were Greg Maddux, Rick Sutcliffe and Mike Bilecki.
I spent the fall of my Sophomore year at Bradley watching games with my friend, Glover. We had every irrational superstition that you could imagine regarding our Cubbies. We tried to will them into the World Series, but it just didn't happen. We would have had a hunger strike for them if we thought it would work. But as in years past, we ended the season as disappointed and heartbroken Cubs fans. Loyal until the end. Hoping for a better outcome next year.

1994 and the baseball strike put a sour taste in my mouth for a long time.
When I moved to Utah in 1995, I no longer had WGN, and it was tough to follow my team. There was no way in hell I would ever root for the Rockies (damn, expansion team....I really hated that they did that in 1993).
I was so hopeful in 2003....then that famous "fan catching the foul ball thing" happened...and well. Dean and I were flipping through channels when we saw the point in the game right after Bartman caught the ball. I had no idea what had happened, but you could tell from the crowd that it was something pretty bad. I remember saying to Dean, "Did someone die? What is wrong with everyone?" Poor guy. Poor Cubs. Poor Cubs fans.
You know my favorite thing about being a Cubs fan? It's predictable and it helps you deal with disappointment. It's kind of like being in an abusive relationship. You just keep coming back for more even though you know you shouldn't. Being a Cubs fan really prepared me for my days as a hard-core Utah Jazz fan. (What other team has gone up against the Bulls in Back to Back NBA finals and lost both times.....so heartbreaking!)
I love my Cubbies; they are part of my soul. In fact, I sleep every night with a Cubs blanket that my mom made for me; that sounds really juvenile, but the blanket is really comfy!
I tried something new this year, though. When I turned 40, I picked a new team. I figured, I'm half way to dead; I gave the Cubs 40 years, so I'll give someone else my next 40. I chose the San Francisco Giants. I have taken a lot of flack for this, but for the love of the game, I kind of had to move on. My Cubbies are still in my heart, but I've got new boyfriends now.
Two summers ago, Dean and I took the Domi and Elle to a Giants game. I love that ballpark! We had the unbelievable experience of being there the night that Jonathan Sanchez pitched a no hitter.
Talk about a wonderful opportunity. There wasn't one person in that whole stadium in their seats. The kid delivered, and we were hooked. You'll notice from this picture that I'm still 39 and have not made the leap from Chicago to SF quite yet. Yes, I wore my Cubs hat to the SF game. And, yes, Dean wore a Padres hat to the SF game (the Padres played the Giants that night).
This year we took Mariah to opening night at AT&T Park.Tim Lincecum was awarded his 2nd Cy Young award. They lost to the Braves, but boy, did we have a great time. A few nights later, I went to a game with my manager, and we were literally three rows back, right behind the away on-deck circle. See the camera guy in the lower-right corner...Yeah, that's how close we were..the camera guy obstructed the first base line. See the guy behind him in the black hat? Yeah, that's a guy in the Pirates dugout (we could totally see right into the dugout). Killer seats! These two pictures (above were taken with my low end camera, but you can still see how awesome the seats were).
So, how did my first year as a Giants fan pan out? Can you say 2010 World Series Champs? We had SO MUCH FUN rooting for them, and we can't wait to head back to AT&T Park next season! So, to my men in blue, I still love you; I always will, but in my mid-life crisis, I've had to upgrade you for a newer team. You never forget your first love, though. So that's why I'm calling my new state of fan-dom: "Giant Cubs Fan."

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Some Halloween Images

Halloween kind of stunk it up this year. First, it was on Sunday. This is very confusing for those of us who live in Utah and actually use a calendar but conform to social norms and Trick or Treat on Saturday to avoid doing so on the Sabbath. Second, it rained...I mean it POURED during the end of the afternoon, and that kind of kept the trick or treaters away. Third, we had very few trick or treaters....and way too much candy. With all that, there were a few highlights!

First, Dean carved a really cool pumpkin in tribute to our SF Giants!
Dom Dressed up as BatGirl. My favorite part is her yellow duct taped belt. It says "Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, Batman!" Did I mention that for some odd reason, she took the yellow duct tape to school and got it taken away by her shop teacher. Nice. Why she took it to school??? I just can't explain these kinds of things.
After a rousing run of trick or treating in the rain, we had 15 kiddos at our house indulging on candy, popcorn, apple juice and laughing their heads off.

They all eventually left. The end. Happy Halloween!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Waiting for Superman

On Saturday I participated in an event hosted by my local school district. There was a special viewing of the Davis Guggenheim documentary, "Waiting for Superman" hosted by the district. After the film, a group of panelists congregated to discuss issues related to education in our school district. I was asked to be the parent representative on the panel. I was joined by our Superintendent, Dr. David Doty, Jim Wall who is currently with the Deseret News but will take the reigns at the Sandy Area Chamber of Commerce in November, Tony Romanello who is a teacher and the president of the Canyons Education Association, and Paul Edwards who is the Deseret News Editorial Page Editor (and prior to that was the Provost at Southern Virginia University).


Picture of the Panel: Dr. Doty, Jim Wall, Tony Romanello, Me, Paul Edwards
I asked Dean to use the tripod to get a clear pic in bad light, but this is the best shot he took.
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I became acquainted with Dr. Doty and members of his staff during a PTA training day last year. Since that time, we've kept up on Twitter, Facebook and the occasional in person meeting for activities related to our schools. I was quite honored to be asked to contribute to the discussion; local education is a topic that is quite close to my heart.

If you haven't seen the film, take the chance to do so. While it is a documentary, everyone has an angle. I'm a big connoisseur of documentaries, but even I recognize that often times they are created to promote personal or political agendas. So, be aware of that fact.
The film follows five children in their quest to better their education through a charter school lottery process. Intertwined are features on Geoffrey Canada of the Harlem Children's Zone Project and Michelle Rhee, now the former Chancellor of the DC Schools. The problems are complex, and this film focuses on some of the most needy school systems in our country. While there is not necessarily a direct correlation to the problems that in Utah, some thematic topics apply and provide a platform to further the discussion.

Here is a list of questions we were provided in advance:
  • What do you think are the biggest challenges facing the schools in our community?
  • How have these challenges impacted our schools?
  • What do you think are our greatest strengths, both inside and outside our schools, for dealing with these problems?
  • What is an “excellent school?” How can we (teachers, parents, administrators, business leaders, community members) work together to ensure all schools are excellent?
  • What are we doing now to support student success? Collectively, how can we improve and expand these efforts?
  • What keeps some parents from becoming more involved in our schools? What can we do to change that?
There are some themes that naturally developed from the Q&A. In no particular order of importance, the following were identified as issues for our local schools.
Funding. Raw numbers, percentages and statistics can all be deceiving. Utah is known for having one of the lowest funded per-pupil rate in the country, but what impact does our rate of funding have on teaching and learning?
I actually led with funding as the biggest challenge facing our schools. Let me tell you why. When we lived downtown and I went to my first ever back to school night with Bradley and Mariah, I was stunned when we were asked throughout the night to fund everything from Kleenex and paper to field trips to periodicals. I sat with my mouth agape that teachers would request such fundamental items. I asked Mariah's 4th Grade teacher, "Have you ever lived anywhere else? This is not normal to ask parents for money like this. Why don't you have budget to cover these things?" Welcome to my introduction the the Utah public school system.
I was so fired up...I mean really fired up. Since the Governor lived in my neighborhood, I told Dean that he needed to drop me off at the Mansion where I planned on knocking on the door until someone answered.....and demanding to know what he planned on doing about public education funding. The Governor at the time was Mike Leavitt. I refrained from an activity which would have surely landed me in the Salt Lake County Jail, but my anger and frustration did not subside, nor has it to this day.
In addition to funding basic classroom supplies, our teachers can have classroom sizes that approach 35-40 learners. Research tells us that teaching and learning can be most effective with smaller classroom sizes. The systemic problem of increasing classroom sizes is directly related to our ability to fund teachers and the facilities to support those smaller classes.
During our Q&A two teachers spoke up about funding (although they didn't call it that). One woman mentioned that she carried excessive student loan debt from the pursuit of an advanced education aimed at helping her advance in her profession. Another young teacher proclaimed that he was going to move out of the country to teach for a few years to accumulate money. (He didn't specify exactly why he needed to accumulate money, but he did mention that his current salary was insufficient.) The same woman who discussed student loan debt spoke about unpaid time spent after school assisting students.
I believe that good teachers should be compensated for excellence in teaching. That requires funding.
Funding is a big issue. I don't suggest that I have all of the answers, and I definitely don't recommend throwing money at a problem to presume that this alone will make a problem better. However, more discretionary funds at the local level could help empower schools to make decisions that will be in the best interest of educators and students.
Accountability. In the documentary, there is much emphasis placed on incompetent teachers. Tony mentioned that it was unfair to place the onus on teachers and that parents and students also need to be held accountable for student success. I couldn't agree more!


We hold our kids' to a pretty high standard (they feel abused, but I assure them that it is out of love that we try so hard influence and encourage their success). Parent involvement matters. Parents need to be informed about what is going on with their student, and a parent must be willing to do whatever it takes. Trust me. I had so many struggles with my step-son. From the time he hit 7th grade all the way through his Senior year, it was a battle. We tracked his grades, emailed teachers, went in to speak to teachers, spoke to guidance counselors, sat with him in class, had rides arranged for him so that he went directly to and from school.....we as his parents were fighting SO hard to help him. He, however, didn't work nearly as hard as we did. As a result, he did not graduate from high school. I blog about it here.

During his last quarter, he failed nearly every class. He had been told that he didn't need his Spanish credit to graduate or his Law Enforcement credit; he had already met the number of credits needed to graduate, so he "checked out" early (metaphorically). He did, however, need Financial Literacy to graduate, and he failed it. I'm glad he failed it. He deserved to fail it. According to his teacher, he had cheated on an exam. Additionally, when he finally tried really hard at the end of the semester, it was too little too late.

At the end of the day, the child has to WANT to succeed and the child NEEDS to be held accountable. I cried for days because my son didn't graduate. I felt that after 7 years of struggling with him that I would be "rewarded" with a graduation day ceremony. However, I want to be very clear; I completely support the teacher who failed him. I would have done the same thing. My disappointment lies not with the teacher but with my son. The post script to this story is that he did remediate his insufficient credits and received his high school diploma in August; I wouldn't call it a "happy ending." It will, however, suffice.

At the core of all discussions regarding education should be "What is best for the child?" "How can I motivate this child?" "What do I do if I cannot motivate a child?" "What if this child is having a problem with Math, Reading, Writing, Science...fill in the blank?" In a perfect world, student-centric learning would be optimal. Our reality is that our public schools are not staffed to take care of the individual learning needs of a given child...to shepherd a child through a bump in the road whether that bump be educational, social or financial. That high-level of engagement is simply cost-prohibitive. Perhaps we can't solve every problem of every learner, but if we had some programs in place to try to meet the needs of the individual, we could move a bit closer to the finish line. I think of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. To get to the point where a person can learn, basic needs must be taken into consideration.
Do I believe that the school is responsible for meeting all of the needs of the child? No. However, if we could be a bit more responsive to a particular learning style, economic need, social need of a child, it can assist with the facilitation of learning. There is more that can be done. Which leads to the next point.
Community Involvement. Jim had an interesting thought. It went something like this, "If it takes a village to raise a child, who is raising the village?" His point was that the community and its businesses need to take a vested interest in education. I couldn't agree more. We never really came to a resolution about what that means, but the fact that the conversation has begun is a most important first step.

I just wanted to mention that businesses have supported our local schools in a variety of ways, and as a parent, I'm appreciative of what has been done. Monetary contributions, gifts in kind and sponsorships of events are some of the ways that businesses have supported local school programs.

My company sponsors a program called SEED, Serving Education Every Day. This program not only allows me flexibility to serve in my local school, but the program ENCOURAGES me to do so. With my company's support, I am able to attend PTA meetings and Community Council meetings even though I have a full time job that requires extensive travel. I am proud to work for a company that understands how important education is and supports volunteerism at the local level.

Click here to read about my very first PTA experience in 2008. Click here to see how this working mom offended a bunch of entrenched PTA ladies to try and shake things up a bit in the spirit of making a difference. Click here to see how my recycling plan all turned out.

Can businesses do more? Absolutely. When I suggested that a career professional with academic acumen for a particular subject matter could assist a teacher...even allow a teacher time off to complete coursework for an advanced degree, the idea was not well received from the audience stating that a volunteer would not know how to teach to the core curriculum and prepare a learner for the requisite tests. Perhaps that is true. I respect teachers tremendously. I, personally, have gone through the teacher certification program at the University of Utah; I did not complete my student teaching nor do I hold certification credentials. There are many qualified and capable individuals who can make meaningful contributions inside and outside of the classroom. I still think my idea has merit and is worth further exploration. This leads to the next theme from the panel discussion, teaching and testing.

Teaching and Testing. I am not a fan of No Child Left Behind; neither was the state of Utah. In 2005, the Utah State Legislature passed a bill that rejected NCLB. For Utah, this was an issue of states' rights and the rejection of federal insertion into the tenets of Utah education policy. The legislation was primarily symbolic. Make no mistake about it, Utah still "participates" in NCLB. As a member of our Community Council, I recently reviewed our school's NCLB scores.
On the panel, I was the most outspoken about my disapproval with NCLB as a measure of success. I believe that NCLB was well intended in a theoretical context, but in it's practical application has done very little to improve the education system in America. I also believe that 100% proficiency by 2012 is not only unattainable, the goal is automatically setting us up for failure. I have seen an interesting dance occur when it comes to massaging the numbers to generate passing grades for a school when otherwise, they would not have passed. Are we doing this to make it appear like NCLB is succeeding? That is how it appears to me.

I am a realist. While I believe that we need to teach to a higher standard to achieve a higher result, I am still practical in my approach. We don't live in a society of members who are all high achievers. We must be realistic in our approach. Not all learners have the same capacity, same motivation, same skill level, same intellect. Can we take a randomized group of learners (as it suggests in the film) and help them be successful? YES...with the sufficient amount of resources and if we provide a learner-centric culture (not a curriculum-centric culture). If you meet the needs of the learner, I firmly believe that almost all learners can be successful. We don't have the luxury of unlimited resources to manage our education system in that way. Therefore, we are forced to manage to educational objectives with the resources in our power to influence and control.

Click here to see what I have written about NCLB on my blog.

Dr. Doty believes the NCLB testing standards are still too low (I agree). The sad commentary (which was emphasized in the film) is that the tests that we are using as measures (like NCLB) indicate that we are not preforming well in Math, Science, Reading and Writing. If we have a test which is perhaps substandard, and if we are performing poorly on that test, how ever would our learners perform on a test that measured what they need to know for college? I shudder when I think of what that test might look like and what the scores would report.

Let me tell you about standardized tests, I was discussing this topic the eve before the film screening, and I mentioned how disappointed I am that my children don't write. They don't ever have writing assignments that they do at home; they don't develop a thesis statement, create introductions, a body and a conclusion to a cohesive theme or topic. My 9th grader piped up and was a bit offended that I thought she couldn't write. She said, "I know how to do that; I had to learn it for the test that we take." Um....she JUST proved my point. Are we teaching to the test? Or are we teaching children to develop skills so that they can be thinkers and learn to apply that thinking in written format.

All through high school, I wrote and wrote and wrote. By my senior year, I was writing complex research papers. My kids can't do that. My daughter who is a junior in high school has never written a research paper. Ever.

One of the major initiatives of the Canyons District is to create a culture of academic excellence and ensure that our students are prepared for college. I couldn't agree more! How do we achieve that goal? What are the tactical steps to take? I don't know the answers, but I know that we can be doing better.

Paul mentioned that we have grade inflation issues in Utah. Is an A in English from a Utah public school the same as an A in English from a school in X state? Perhaps. I would hope that we teach to the highest standard and hold our kids accountable for earning grades. So much of what my kids do is what I call "fluff." Again, I'm not blaming teachers. The problem is systemic; there is not reason to place blame. I'm interested in identifying the issues and helping work a plan to make things better.

Paul also mentioned that teachers should be trained and qualified and kept up-to-date on pedagological methodologies. I agree; I will again state that this also requires resources to be allocated to this effort.
Parting Thoughts. Go see the film. Have a discussion about education with your local leaders in your school, your district and your state. Be part of the solution. I firmly believe that if community members, parents, teachers and administrators work together that we can target toward excellent education.
I am grateful for the opporunity that I had to view this film and participate on the panel with Dave, Jim, Paul and Tony. Thank you, gentlemen, and if I've misrepresented your views, please feel free to leave a comment to clarifiy!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

If you think your kid is not smoking pot because you can't smell it, think again.

Tonight I had a long, quality conversation with a woman who I admire tremendously. She has a teenage son who is a friend to my teenage daughter. A few weeks ago, my daughter said, "He's a pot head." I asked how she knew this, and she told me that he talked about smoking pot all of the time.

Okay. Do I do anything with this info? I sat on it for a few weeks, but tonight during our conversation, I expressed concern for this woman's son. She said, "It wouldn't surprise me, but I don't ever smell it, and I know what it smells like."

If I had 20 bucks for every time a parent has said this to me.....

Let me tell you my story. I share this because I think it is important for parents to know. When my stepson was 14 and in the 8th grade, he was busted for smoking pot at school. I was shocked. I thought that I was a pretty smart parent. I know what it smells like. I thought I knew all of the signs that would indicate any kind of drug abuse. I was dead wrong.

At the time, our son was not a latch-key kid. Dean was working 2:00-7:00 AM shifts at FedEx, and he was there when the kids went to school. He delivered pizzas during the day, so he was there when the kids got home from school. This was our arrangement...he worked two part time jobs to be with the kids; I worked full time so he could be with the kids. What I'm trying to explain is that our kids were not unattended; they were quite attended to. We ate dinners at the table, we had meaningful conversations with them, and we thought we knew them.

Additionally, our son was grounded almost full time for failing grades. Literally, the only places he went were back and forth to school and back and forth to church (which sounds really weird when I type it like that). At any point in time, he could earn his privileges back by getting his grades up. We did everything we could think of to help him with that, too. I even went to his classes and sat with him (which is highly unpopular when you are in junior high, but the teachers were quite supportive). I was trying to figure out what was leading to his terrible grades.

Parent advice #1: If you kids have failing grades, it is indicative of a problem that is probably not related to school work.

The night before he was busted smoking pot at school, we had a conversation that we had had 20 times before. This time, it escalated with me saying something like, "If you don't shape up, you are going to be on a quick path to jail." His answer stunned me, "I don't care." (Just so you know, that same answer wouldn't stun me today. It's quite typical for teens to say that, but he was our first, and I was really floored that the threat of jail didn't phase him.)

I was on the phone with a work colleague when we got the call from the school. Dean and I went over, and the police were there. Our kid was high. He didn't say much. Dean also didn't say a word; I think he was in a disappointed shock. I, of course, did most of the talking.

The police asked to search his person. I said that they could search anything they wanted. At that time our son would wear multiple layers of clothing...like underwear, two pair of shorts and baggy sweats over that. I don't know why he did that, but he did. I told the officer to make sure to check all of the layers. In his backpack they found drug paraphernalia. It wasn't anything you would have recognized. He took ink pens, pulled out the ink and attached common hardware like a nut to create a pipe. Ironically, Dean went looking through the kid's stuff the night before, found the baggie of pens and hardware and didn't think anything of it.

Parent Advice #2: Be informed as to what common household objects kids are using to smoke/use drugs. Pens, apples....if you want the latest and greatest, call your local police department; they will rattle off things for you to search for.

I told the officer that I never smelled anything so I had no reason to be suspicious. The officer asked him how he was hiding the smell. He didn't answer. I said something like, "You WILL answer every question this man asks you...so help me!" He said that he did it before school so most of the smell had worn off. Remember how I told you that the only places he went were back and forth to church and school? Yep...before school...which also helped explain the poor performance AT school. I asked him how he got it/paid for it. He said, "My friend just gives it to me." Oj!

We also found out from him that he used cologne and body spray to cover the scent in his clothing.

Parent Advice #3: Be leery of a child who over-uses body sprays and colognes.

I've lived through the smelliness of a teenage boy...and it is DISGUSTING. The only way to get rid of those scents is with soap and water in the shower. It's one thing to want to put on a little cologne, it is an entirely different thing to mask smells with way too much of a scent.

The officer continued searching the backpack and opened his notebook. He said, "What gang are you in?" Ok, at this point in time, my life started flashing before my eyes. Me: "What did you say?" Officer: "What gang are you in?" Son: "I'm not in a gang."

The officer continued to thumb through his notebook and asked the question again. He then handed the notebook to the Vice Principal, and the VP began interpreting what was in the notebook. Apparently, there is some rhyme and reason to gang graffiti art. They handed me the notebook, and I saw a drawing he had done of a drive by shooting. Are you freaking kidding me??? Thinking this can't get any worse, the officer pulled out a red bandanna from his backpack and asked for the third time, "What gang are you in?"

I'm like, "Answer the man!" Again denial of gang activity.

So, let me see if I have this straight....our 14 year old son...who has a father in the home (who is actually AT home most of the time) and a step mom who is highly involved...who only goes to and from school....who doesn't "hang out" with friends because he's perennially grounded....who doesn't get phone calls at home from friends...who doesn't even have a cell phone....is not only smoking pot at school but is now in a GANG....

It just didn't add up. Either I didn't know my stepson or he was really good at hiding things from us.

The officer then asks, "What is your moniker?" I asked, "What is a moniker?" (I have no clue what gang speak is.) The officer explained that it was a nickname commonly given by a gang to a member. Son: denies having moniker. Me: "You have a moniker, and I know what it is. You have even drawn pictures of it." I told the officer what I believed his moniker to be.

I was SO furious at my kid for not cooperating with the police. They wrote him up on possession of drug paraphernalia. He went to juvy court and had to pay a fine and do community service.

What did we do after that?

Well, one thing we did was that we decided that we weren't going to keep this a family secret. We called several people who had the power to influence him for good: his grandparents, his young men's leader, his bishop, close family friends, other relatives. We thought, "it takes a village." We didn't want to shoulder the burden alone, and we thought that the more people who had his best interest, the better. We rallied the troops, circled the wagons....

We also got him outpatient drug counseling. Let me tell you, this is near next to impossible to find for a young person. There are many inpatient drug facilities, but we were looking more for a counselor who had a specialty with teens and drug use. We found a WONDERFUL counselor at the Odyssey House in Salt Lake City named Eric Schmidt.

Parent Advice #4: Rally the troops and get help when you find out that your kid is involved in drugs.

I wish I could tell you that all of this got immediately better. It didn't. In fact, it got much, much worse....but that is another story.

The point of this post? Even if you think you know your kid, even if you think you know what pot smells like, even if you think you would recognize the signs of drug use, even if you are "always there for your kid," I'm here to give you a public service announcement....sometimes all of that doesn't matter. If someone tells you, "I've heard your kid is doing drugs from my kid." Or, "Your kid is acting a lot like my kid was when he/she was on drugs." Don't ignore that message. The well-intended person may be wrong, but they just may be right.

You want to trust your kid, but there are oh so many thing that we don't know about what happens in their daily lives....the time that they walk to school, attend school, walk home from school....

If you suspect your kid is doing drugs, get them random drug tested. It doesn't cost much. You can also run a hair follicle test on them to search for longer term use.

I hope this helps someone. I really do. I am still in wonder that this happened to our son...and to us. I can't think of anything we could have done differently except pay closer attention to some of the signs I've mentioned. Things change rapidly in teenage culture (and with teenage drug culture). As a parent, you must be vigilant about being informed.

I love my son more than he will ever know. I wish he hadn't made choices that made his adolescence so much harder than it needed to be. Hopefully, when he is a father he will understand how hard we tried to get him help from the time he hit puberty at about 12 until the time he moved out of our house when he was 18. Sometimes it's really hard to be a parent; these kind of things make it hard!