Can we call her "Mom"?

Yesterday I was at a PTA meeting at the middle school, and our meeting ended about the same time school ended.  Dominique came into the teacher's lounge where we were meeting, and she must have called me by name.  One of the PTA ladies asked, "Your daughter calls you by your first name?"  I paused for a second (mainly because I hadn't heard her refer to me by name) and said, "Oh, yes, she is my step-daughter."  Honestly, I think that the woman thought I was a progressive mom having my kids call me by my first name, but that was not the case. 

All of my kids call me Wendy.  This is my preference.  When Dean and I married, the kids were ages 5, 7, 9 and 11.  Dominique and Elle both asked Dean, "Can we call her 'Mom'?"  Wow.  That question was an interesting one for me.  I had a step-mother (and still do), and I always called her by her first name.  To me, the title of Mom is somehow special and sacred.  I know that may sound silly, but I only had one mom, and Kathy was my step-mom.

So, when the girls asked if they could call me mom, out of deference to their mother, I said that I thought they should call me Wendy.  It works out well for us, and I think it is the right thing to do.  I'm now "Grandma Wendy" to little Layla, and I have my kids call my mom "Grandma Rosemary" (mainly because they have a bunch of grandparents.)  They call my dad "Grandpa Gene" and my step-mom "Grandma Kathy."

One time a few years ago, the kids' great-grandfather pulled me aside and said, "I really think you should have the kids call you "mom"."  He meant well.  His point was that I was "more of a mother to them than their birth mother ever was."  I know that.  They know that.  We don't need to go confusing everything by instituting title changes that would just complicate things.

If someone says, "Give this to your mom" or "will you tell your mom....," they don't correct that person and blurt out "She's my STEP-MOM."  However, when they introduce me to people (their friends, for instance) they will say, "This is my step-mom, Wendy."  I'm cool with all of that.  I go out of my way not to refer to myself (to them) as their "mom."  I refer to myself at their parent.

Why do I do this?  Well, part of it is because I know how much it would have hurt my mother to call another woman "mom."  Part of it is that I really love my own step-mother and didn't need to call her "mom" to have a great relationship with her.  Part of it is that out of deference for their mother, I think it is the right thing to do.  And if you know me, you know how little I think of their birth mother these days.  However, that doesn't diminish the fact that the *is* their biological mother and for a period in their lives *was* a great mom to them.

I've never felt that I needed to be validated with a title.  I know who I am to them.  I am their mom.